Grief is heavy it's like carrying a big boulder and it goes everywhere you go You can't roll it up the hills you have to carry it with you everyday and it wears down your fingers and it wears down your bones but you constantly carry it and then you have to breathe and live with this giant hole in your heart and when you get good news and you have to figure out who to tell it to that would appreciate like they would and then you have to figure out a new five year plan a new ten year plan but the biggest conundrum of all is do you want to do any of that without them. Who are you now what do you even like where do you want to go what do you want to do kind of music do you want to listen to what food you even like it's just like you've been introduced to a completely other person but it's the same person that you look in the mirror to everyday You wake up day after day going to work and existing because that's all you can do until you figure out who you are who you even want to be. I want to be his girl again , I want to feel loved like that again, I want to be alive like I used to be I'm just living and I barely feel alive The joy has just dripped out of every inch of everything this beautiful vibrant colored picture of all these beautiful things have drained to a dull gray and white.
Then there's the questions they still remain did i take good care of him good enough did he know that I loved him towards the end even though I let him sleep a lot because I know that's what he wanted I didn't want him to take that for wanting to be distant cuz we knew he was passing. Done anything to save him I offered part of my liver but I was too late that doesn't seem fair that I waited 41 years of my life I find my soulmate You find him I only get 10 years He helps me through cancer but then he dies of cancer doesn't seem fair. I'm left with the same life that we had together but without him and she just gray it's just an outline it's it's not the same picture that it once was. I miss all those beautiful colors.
