Grief

 Grief is heavy it's like carrying a big boulder and it goes everywhere you go You can't roll it up the hills you have to carry it with you everyday and it wears down your fingers and it wears down your bones but you constantly carry it and then you have to breathe and live with this giant hole in your heart and when  you get good news and you have to figure out who to tell it to that would appreciate like they would and then you have to figure out a new five year plan a new ten year plan but the biggest conundrum of all is do you want to do any of that without them. Who are you now what do you even like where do you want to go what do you want to do kind of music do you want to listen to what food you even like it's just like you've been introduced to a completely other person but it's the same person that you look in the mirror to everyday You wake up day after day going to work and existing because that's all you can do until you figure out who you are who you even want to be.  I want to be his girl again , I want to feel loved like that again, I want to be alive like I used to be I'm just living and I barely feel alive The joy has just dripped out of every inch of everything this beautiful vibrant colored picture of all these beautiful things have drained to a dull gray and white. 

Then there's the questions they still remain did i take good care of him good enough did he know that I loved him towards the end even though I let him sleep a lot because I know that's what he wanted I didn't want him to take that for wanting to be distant cuz we knew he was passing. Done anything to save him I offered part of my liver but I was too late that doesn't seem fair that I waited 41 years of my life I find my soulmate You find him I only get 10 years He helps me through cancer but then he dies of cancer doesn't seem fair. I'm left with the same life that we had together but without him and she just gray it's just an outline it's it's not the same picture that it once was. I miss all those beautiful colors. 

2020 has arrived!!

1-7-2020- Notable mention-two days away from my mother's bday.

I would like to take a moment to thank God for keeping me around and I can't wait to find out what my purpose is... I suspect it's to be the best darn nana that i could possibly be.

Ive  realized recently that there was so much more i wanted to know about my past from my mother but most importantly i realize how i fell short of getting to know her. I didn't learn the art of listening until close to her demise at the very young age of 63 (i was 41 soon to be 42)

I love to listen to god speak....he talks to us in many ways... the bible being just one. I firmly believe my gut feeling is god guding me but also ive taken a long time fostering a relationship so i can effectively listen and speak to him although he knows what's truly in your heart but why not have a loving relationship with a father that gave his only begotten son to die so that we can be free.

My relationship with my daughter is beauty personified. I feel both needed and wanted in her life and she actually hears the words i say. Its beautiful having and adult child truly value you. I thank god for giving me the wisdom of that ages so i have learned how to show value to everyone-friends, fiance and most of all my daughter. I would do anything at all possible for her.

I want to leave a legacy the best legacy i could leave is that of knowing jesus and living his way. That is the ultimate treasure.


Katelyn, Paul. Zach, Eli,Ollie, and Asher- i love you all with every fiber of my being and im going to do all i can to make as many memories as possible.

My feelings

2/23/19

Dear world,

I have feelings and they matter. The one person that is supposed to embody this philosophy are your children. You raise them to love and cherish you, but what happens when they are in their teens and made to idolize others that have different philosophies and there is not a thing you can do about it. You feel replaced and the title that you have is shared with someone when you should be comparable to none. . PS to all children- Your Mother is a one of a kind, one and only. God chose her for you for his very own reasons and you should cherish all of the lessons she teaches you, even the ones of what not to do.
Ive never asked to choose sides, but ive prayed all of my life that my daughter would choose me because I am her mother, the birthgiver, the one person that worked so hard for her to never realize we were poor when she was growing up. It seems on the flip side of my coin as if the universe were against me. .She idolizes her father- the person who ripped her away from her mother when she was sick and begged to stay with momma but they didn't care , took her and  hid her regardless of how sick I was about it ( a few times- once when she was a baby and once when she was a teenager) , and was so self centered about every move he  made about her life( he just wanted her to move in with him so he wouldn't have to pay the measly child support monthly and he could control her every move).

Flash forward to her 20s and she makes every effort to have me in her life but theres still that pedestal that her step mother is on. Im reminded of it every time I hear her say "my mom" to someone and then say "no, the other one"
I AM NOT THE OTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE ONE that birthed her, that sacrificed my life to give her everything I could so the standard of living she was accustomed to was higher so she would strive for higher. I was the person that raised her ALONE and busted my butt working two jobs so she didn't have to go without. But do you know where im penalized-- flash back to how she idolizes her father--- she thinks im shit. she has this secret hatred for me and I know someway somehow it was fueled by her dad and step mom. they have this philosophy that people that aren't like them ( however they see it) are lesser people. ive lived in this shadow from the second I left her father- the shadow of a woman that thinks she is the best WOMAN and the picture of how woman should be and anyone not meeting up to that standard is the lesser person. ive tried to create a shadow of an independent woman, one who doesn't need a man but wants one and ive been faulted by these people that are in charge of creating my image to my daughter. I can only hope and pray that one day she realizes my struggles and see that I strived to set the bar high enough that she can meet and exceed those goals and she wouldn't have to struggle like I did.

I do realize that one of my biggest downfalls is I make a picture of how I want my life to be ( or relationships, scenarios etc) and when they don't match the image in my mind,  im disappointed.
I also realize that I am way further ahead in the relationship that I do have with my daughter as  I was three years ago when Ollie was born ( and I wasn't even notified- we were fighting because she told me I would never keep my grandsons overnight, yet her dad and stepmom kept them all the time) . she calles me every day, sometimes a few times a day, she makes it a point to make sure I get to see my grandsons so I really should appreciate what I do have even if it falls slightly short of how I want our relationship to be ( like I had with my mother).  I was thrilled to get to go to the Zoo with them and I just want to be around to have a relationship with them. I feel in my heart of hearts that I truly only have 10-15 years because of my Stage IV cancer. I want to make the best of it so for that reason I never mention this to Katelyn. I don't have enough time to waste 6 more months of being mad. I want to cherish every moment I get- I just want her to want to make more moments but shes probably like me when my mom told me she was terminal.... I didn't want to face it. the thought of my mother not being alive was devastating so I chose to ignore it and I cheated myself out of a lot of memories and time spent with my mom. I don't know how to present that to her without putting a pressure on our relationship. I need her to know that I love her more than life and breath itself. ive only ever once felt like my life was in immediate danger and the first thing I did was text her that I loved her. she knew it was odd- I was having an allergic reaction to Macadamia nuts. in all honesty I feel like we are very much alike but shes not fond of herself and blames me for how she is. its weird but shes a good person, shes the person I always wanted to be. she doesn't take crap from anyone ( except her dad, bc he does no wrong) and I was never more proud than when she told me about the time she defended a battered woman. shes done a lot more in my life than I have and im so happy she got to experience all the things she has. I love her so much and I would do anything for her and wish her nothing but amazing things to happen. Shes about to have Baby Boy #3 and I cant wait to meet Asher Allen around about April 21, 2019

Fuck you cancer, you wont win!!! My God is stronger than you. 6/12/18 the day before the PET scan results. We are all concerned but gods got me!!


1/7/2020 Update- by the will of God all is well!! ( better late than never. )

The beginning

Some of you may have experienced new beginnings and may be fond of them, in this instance I detest my new beginning!

It was the beginning of 2014 and I had just turned 42 in November 2013. I had my first mammogram in September of 2013 and after which I recieved a letter stating the results were inconclusive and I needed to come back for more tests.  I had heard often that your breast tissue is denser during your menstrual cycle so I chalked the letter up to that since it rad the first day of my cycle when i had my first mammogram.  Then another came,  and another... four to be exact and then the registered letter came.  I cried a bit reading it thinking something must really be wrong. Why would they send a registered letter if there wasn't something wrong.  By this time it was going into the new year(2014) so I made the next appointment at my gynecologists office. They took me in a room and squished my small breasts into pancakes. Needless to say this hurt pretty bad. The tech asked me to wait in the waiting room after the test for the results.  About 15 mins later she said I need you to come with me the first set of pictures didn't give us a clear view. Three sets of pictures later it was decided I needed an ultrasound and after that it was suggested I schedule a biopsy. At this point it was my first time going through this so I was not sure what to expect. I went to the front desk to schedule the biopsy and the nurse said "is tomorrow at 8 am good?" It was precisely that moment that I began to worry.  I thought to myself "it takes weeks to get an appointment and they want me back the next day.  Something must be wrong"
The biopsy was painful. They said I would only feel pressure but when the got deep into the tissue there was stabbing pain.  Thank God it was over quickly. This test was on a Tuesday and I was advised the results would be back in 3 days so when I got a call from the nurse at the office at 8 PM Wednesday night,  I knew something was definitely wrong and then I heard the words everyone dreads  ..... YOU HAVE CANCER.